Understanding Conflict between Mothers and Teen Daughters

Mothers with pre-teen daughters tell me that they are afraid of the time when their daughter will become a teenager. They are afraid that their emotionally close, easy-going relationship will end, and their daughter will morph into an angry, emotionally withdrawn teenager. This fear is voiced so frequently, it is the overriding reaction I hear from mothers with pre-teen daughters. And these mothers aren’t being paranoid. They have many examples of other mothers who have struggled with their teen daughter. They have heard stories of how a once peaceful, emotionally close relationship turned into an angry, emotionally distant relationship soon after the daughter turned twelve. And many might have experienced conflict with their own mothers when they were teenagers.

The media plays a large role in normalizing the belief that conflict is a normal part of the mother and teen daughter relationship. Whenever the mother and teen daughter relationship is mentioned, it is most often discussed in terms of anger and conflict. And social media chat rooms are echo chambers where a daughter’s anger is encouraged and amplified, rather than understood and healed.

Counselors, marriage and family therapists, and coaches can also normalize this negative belief about mothers and teen daughters. Most counselors, marriage and family…