Part 2: Do Terms Like ‘Mother Wound’ Explain or Mother Blame?
This is part two of a four-part blog series on “Why are so many mothers and daughters estranged today?”. In this blog series, I shine a spotlight on a worrying spike in mother-daughter estrangement that my graduates and I have observed. In this second blog I unpack my first observation about this trend — how daughters are using popular ‘diagnostic labels’ like ‘mother wound’, ‘toxic mother’, and ‘narcissistic mother’, to name a few, to justify their decision to cut off contact from their mothers. I examine whether these terms are a true representation of what is happening between a mother and daughter and whether they justify estrangement, or do these terms place an inaccurate and unjust amount of blame on the mother.
Estranged mothers and daughters are showing us that significant changes have happened over the past decade. About fifteen years ago, estrangement was uncommon, and reserved for the most abusive of relationships. Today, estrangement is being treated as a reasonable option for daughters, and it carries far less shame than it used to. Estrangement is also happening at a much younger age than it used to. Today, daughters in their twenties and thirties are deciding to cut off contact from their mother, when fifteen years ago, estranged daughters were more likely to be in their forties or older. And finally, the reasons daughters give for becoming estranged have changed. Fifteen years ago, daughters didn’t have the bank of ‘diagnostic labels’ that are popular today in the media, social media, and therapy office.
Over the last decade, several ‘diagnostic labels’ like ‘mother wound’, ‘toxic mother’, and ‘narcissistic mother’ have become popular in the media, social media forms, and the therapy office. These terms criticize and pathologize mothers in the way that they diagnose the mother as being wounding, toxic, and narcissistic. And daughters have latched onto these so-called ‘diagnostic labels’ to describe the hurt they feel about their mother-daughter relationship and to justify becoming estranged from their mother. Yet, when I hear what is happening in mother-daughter relationships and meet the wounding, toxic, narcissistic, or emotionally unwell mother, I see little evidence for this diagnosis. Many of these mothers are desperate to understand why their daughter cannot bear to be around them, and they reach out to me with the hope that I will “fix” them, so that they can restore their connection with their daughter.
There is clearly a lot of hurt being felt between mothers and daughters. Daughters are not feeling heard, loved, and supported in the way they desire and need. And daughters are not feeling mothered in the way that they need to be mothered. But giving this lack of emotional care and attention a diagnostic label like ‘mother wound’, ‘narcissist mother’, ‘toxic mother’, does nothing to uncover what is going on between a mother and daughter. It doesn’t help a daughter understand why her mother is being controlling, emotionally unavailable, or manipulative, or why she is anxious and easily triggered. Rather, it has the effect of pouring gasoline on an already raging relational fire.
The reality is that deciding to become estranged is a cry for help. It is a desperate attempt to end the pain of not having the mother you want and need. And many estranged daughters share that after feeling some initial relief of not having to fight with their mother, the pain of their conflict and emotional disconnection is not eased by their estrangement.
Susan, the mother, and Dallas, her twenty-five-year-old daughter (name and personal details changed to protect their confidentiality) are typical of the estranged mothers and daughters I work with. For the last year, Dallas had refused to have any contact with her mother Susan, until Susan heals what Dallas calls “Susan’s narcissism and emotional problems”. Like many mothers in this situation, Susan had no idea as to what she had done wrong. She had no idea what narcissistic behaviors and emotional problems she was supposed to heal, and she wanted my help to understand what had gone wrong between her and Dallas. During her first session, Susan said in a tearful, exasperated voice, “I’m willing to do anything to make it right again with Dallas. Please help me change my behaviors so that I’m no longer triggering Dallas’s anger so that she will speak to me again.”
Susan’s request is understandable. She was desperate to be reconnected with her daughter, but as the Mother-Daughter Attachment® Model (MDAM) explains, changing her behavior will not create the emotional connection that she and Dallas yearn for. Susan and Dallas, like all mothers and daughters, do not relate in a cultural vacuum. Their relationship story is shaped by the generational trauma the women in their family have experienced, which includes the harm patriarchy inflicts on women. And just like many mothers who are labeled as being wounding and narcissistic, Susan did not fit those diagnostic terms. Narcissistic mothers do not do “whatever it takes” to help restore their connection with their daughter because true narcissists are not capable of that kind of relational behavior. But even if, for argument’s sake, Susan did have some narcissistic tendencies or emotional problems, blaming Susan for her and Dallas’s relationship difficulties does not help Susan or Dallas. Rather, it will ensure that Dallas inherits the generational harm Susan and Susan’s mother experienced, and the mother-daughter problems between Susan and Dallas will likely be repeated between Dallas and her future daughter.
The MDAM’s main diagnostic exercise is the “Mother-Daughter History Mapping” exercise. It maps out the stories of Susan’s life, her mother’s, and grandmother’s life, and importantly, their generational experience with patriarchy, violence, sexism, inequality, and racism. The exercise uncovers whether Susan, her mother, and her grandmother felt listened to and understood as a child and adult, or were the women in their family emotionally silenced. It uncovers whether the women in her family were cared for and supported, which means, did they inquire after what Susan and her mother felt, thought, and needed emotionally, or were they emotionally neglected, with mothers expected to be selfless, self-neglecting caregivers. And finally, the exercise exposes how much agency Susan and her mother had over their lives, and whether they were encouraged to realize their dreams and career goals.
The mother-daughter history mapping exercise revealed the emotional landscape in which Susan was trying to mother Dallas, and that Susan and Dallas were trying to build their relationship, and as with most mother-daughter landscapes, their emotional landscape lacked any language that inquires after what women feel, think, need, and want. The exercise helped Susan understand the extreme emotional neglect that she and her mother have experienced, and how it feels to not be asked what she is feeling and needing, to always put other people’s needs before her own, and to not get the support she needs. It helped Susan grieve her lost career goals, and to connect the dots between all the silencing and neglect she has experienced and how she related to her mother and with her daughter Dallas.
As Susan and I unpacked the impact of living in a patriarchal family and society that discounts and shames women for feeling and needing, it became clear why Dallas had accused Susan of being narcissistic and emotionally unwell. Dallas had learned to use these so-called ‘diagnostic labels’ from social media forums, and as I reveal in the next blog, from her individual therapists, but they misrepresented what had gone wrong between Susan and Dallas. These labels did not accurately present Susan’s behavior, nor did they explain why Dallas wasn’t feeling heard by Susan, or Susan’s struggle to emotionally connect with Dallas in the way Dallas needed. These labels also did not explain why Susan’s efforts to connect with Dallas weren’t working.
What Susan and Dallas needed was to understand their mother-daughter history and connect the dots between their generational experience with patriarchy and their relationship issues. They needed to understand how the trauma of the patriarchal silencing and emotional neglect that they have experienced has harmed their ability to listen to each other and feel heard and understood.
“Women’s generational experience with sexism and gender inequality is the root cause of why mothers and daughter fight, misunderstand each other, and emotionally disconnect. In every mother-daughter relationship I work with, I see how mothers and daughters are set up for conflict. The background from which their struggle emerges are the ways mothers are expected to be selfless caretakers, the silencing of women’s voices and emotional needs, and restrictive gender roles that limit women’s choices and freedom.” The Mother-Daughter Puzzle by Rosjke Hasseldine
Families that do not inquire after what women feel, think, and need, set mothers and daughters up to fight over who gets to be heard and supported in their relationship, because they do not know of a reality where both mother and daughters are heard and supported. And the experience of being emotionally silenced and neglected creates what the MDAM calls maladaptive attachment behaviors, like being emotionally manipulative, controlling, or emotionally distant. The experience of not having your feelings and needs heard creates maladaptive attachment behaviors, because it is often the only way women have to try and be heard and valued as a person. But sadly, maladaptive attachment behaviors rarely provide the desired outcome. As Susan worked on understanding how she had been impacted by the trauma of the silencing and neglect that she had experienced, she learned to see that what Dallas called her narcissistic behaviors were actually her maladaptive attachment behavior of being controlling, because that is how she had learned to get her needs met, however unsuccessful.
In conclusion, terms like ‘mother wound’, ‘toxic mother’, and ‘narcissistic mother’ are not just inaccurate diagnostic labels that do nothing to help daughters understand their mother-daughter experiences. These so-called ‘diagnostic labels’ are harmful! They add shame and blame where none should exist, and they heap more pain and suffering on an already heart-breaking relationship situation. Mothers and daughters need, and deserve, to have these labels challenged and discounted.
In the next blog, “Part 3: Is therapy colluding with or causing mother-daughter estrangement?”, I examine my second observation about how estranged daughters like Dallas are often seeing an individual therapist when they decide to cut off contact from their mother, and how this cannot be a coincidence! In this blog I ask the most-needed questions about what is happening in therapy offices for mothers and daughters, and how therapist training is colluding with or even causing today’s harmful trend.