How I Pursued my Dream of Building a Mother-Daughter Coaching Community

Amongst the awfulness of 2020, I created something amazing! I have long held a dream of creating a community of mother-daughter therapists/coaches who would not only join me in providing the mother-daughter help that is so desperately needed, but together we would challenge the way the mother-daughter relationship remains marginalized in the therapy and coaching professions.

Realizing my dream started five years ago when I was in hospital. As I lay in my hospital bed, I had an a-ha moment. I saw that the mother-daughter specialism I had worked so hard to create could die with me if I did not start teaching what I had learned over my long career working with mothers and daughters. As soon as I was well enough to go back to work, I set about writing the Mother-Daughter Attachment Training Course and talking to my fellow therapists and coaches about the idea of training to be a Certified Mother-Daughter Coach. At first the response I got was surprise and confusion. Many commented that they did not know that mother-daughter therapy/coaching was a real thing. I had to do a lot of explaining about the importance of the mother-daughter relationship in understanding women’s lives and emotional reality, and that when the mother-daughter relationship is missing from training syllabi, women are missing. And then something clicked open! Today I have graduates in America, Australia, Canada, Ireland, United Arab Emirates, United Kingdom to name a few countries. How did I do this? What help did I get? In this blog I want to share a little of how I managed to succeed in building an international community of mother-daughter therapists/coaches, not to blow my own trumpet, but to provide ideas and encouragement to anyone who is dreaming of creating something new.

Back in 1997, when I set up my private practice specializing in mother-daughter attachment, the idea of working with mothers and daughters was new. Colleagues counseled me against specializing in mothers and daughters, fearing that I would not get enough clients. And couple’s therapy was still thought of as therapy for romantic partners, not mothers and daughters. Thankfully, I did not listen to my colleagues’ well-meaning advice. Even though I did not know of another therapist who had spent their career specializing in helping mothers and daughters, I knew in my soul that this was what I was meant to do, and I was determined to give it my best.

If I did not know of another therapist who specializing in mothers and daughters, neither did the women I was trying to attract as clients. When I first announced that I was available to work with mothers and daughters, I had to educate women about the importance of seeking help for their mother-daughter relationship issues. What helped me was my own frustrations about not being able to get the help I needed when I was struggling with my relationship with my mother during my teenage years and twenties. I know how painful mother-daughter conflict is, how desperately mothers and daughters desire a close emotional bond, and how exasperating it is when you cannot find the help you so desperately need. Incidentally, my dream of spending my life researching and working with mothers and daughters, and then passing on what I have learned to a community of therapists and coaches who are passionate about mothers and daughters germinated during those difficult years when I did not understand what was going on between my mother and I, and I did not know where to find the answers.

Persevering, even when you feel that you are in a headwind does pay off. My writing and offering to talk at conferences did help spark conversations about my work with mothers and daughters. And of course I did not achieve today’s success alone because nothing happens in a social vacuum! Authors like Paula Caplan, Carol Gilligan, Suzie Orbach, to name a few, and the Women’s Peace Movement and Feminist Counseling Theory have contributed to bringing the mother-daughter relationship to the forefront. The #MeToo and #BlackLivesMatter movements have brought the concept of systemic sexism and racism into the collective consciousness. All these voices have not only informed my work but helped spread the understanding that the mother-daughter relationship tells the story of women’s generational experience with sexism and patriarchy. It is amazing how the conversation has changed. How mothers and daughters today get it. They see the harm that selfless and self-sacrificing inflicts on women’s equality, emotional wellbeing, and mother-daughter attachment. And colleagues too are seeing that the mother-daughter relationship is missing in their training, and that mother-daughter attachment is essential learning for all therapists and coaches.

My advice to anyone who has a dream of creating something is to give it your best! Do not listen to the nay-sayers and doubters and jealous people who are threatened by your vision and success. Talk to the people who do listen, do understand, and ignore those who do not. Looking back, I can see that I spent too much time and energy trying to convince people who did not want to be convinced. And I have spent too much time worrying over negative reactions and not enough time feeling the strength in positive feedback. There was never a plan B for me because I knew in my soul that I was put on this earth to do this work. I was given my vision and passion for a reason, and I would have felt that I had not lived the life I needed to live if I had not followed the calling. I am grateful for the support and encouragement I have received, for the societal awakening about systemic racism and sexism, and for the Mother-Daughter Coaches who have joined me in legitimizing this specialism.