Are Harry and Meghan Being Selfish?

It is easy to dismiss the latest trouble in the British Royal family with Harry and Meghan, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, stepping away from their royal duties and wanting to forge their own life path as something unique that is unrelated to us mere mortals. And yes, some of the issues like royal titles and duties are way outside our reality. But if we dig below these specific royal issues, the royal family is no different to any other family. The issue of a family member wanting to define their own life path and goals, and how families navigate individual freedom and belonging is something most families wrestle with.

The tension between individual freedom and belonging is a common theme in my work with mothers and daughters because women’s lives have for generations been defined by duty, obligation, and sacrifice. The Women’s Movement is, at its core, a fight for women to belong to themselves and exist as their own person, without having to sacrifice connection and belonging in their relationships and family.

In my work I see the harm that is inflicted on mothers and daughters individually as people and their relationship with each other when their family believes that it is a mother’s duty and a daughter’s duty to sacrifice their will for the good of the family. This role expectation sets mothers up to teach daughters how to comply with the will of the family. It creates a dynamic where the mother has to “police” the daughter’s behavior, because she wants her daughter to be loved and belong and she wants her family and other people to think that she is doing a good job as a mother. In these families, women have no voice and rights as people, and this lack of freedom and conditional belonging sets mothers and daughters up for conflict.

I see the role-overload and mental health issues that mothers suffer from when motherhood is defined as an all-encompassing role, leaving no space for the mother’s identity as a person and her life vision. This role expectation is damaging for a mother’s relationship with her daughter, because it sets the daughter up to meet her mother’s denied needs. It also ensures that the daughter will have to fight for her freedom, which creates a breeding ground for conflict, resentment, and jealousy. The all-defining motherhood role sets mothers up to feel guilty for not “doing enough”. It is reinforced by how we engage in the “sport” of mother-blaming, as Paula Caplan writes in her book “The new don’t blame mother”. And it is enshrined in human development theories like Attachment Theory, that reflect society’s lack of understanding that mothers are people first.

There is a robust belief within counseling and psychotherapy that we cannot criticize culture, that it is not our role to question cultural beliefs and ways of behaving. This belief is flawed because we cannot help our clients without exploring cultural beliefs and family role expectations. I cannot help mothers and daughters without an exploration of patriarchal thinking that their family and culture holds dear and the harm that patriarchy is inflicting on them as women, mother, and daughter.

Harry and Meghan’s decision to claim their own voice and path and step away from the roles that the royal family have laid down for them is inspirational. They are highlighting a generational split between the older generation’s thinking that elevates duty, obligation, and sacrifice over individual rights and freedom, which I see happening between mothers and daughters around the world. They are asking us as women and men, and as therapists to think about –

1. Does duty to the family or organization take precedence over individual rights and freedom?

2. How do families and organizations allow for individual differences?

3. What does it mean to belong?

4. Who decides the rules for belonging?

5. What sacrifices are okay to make to belong?

6. Are there gender differences between women and men, mothers and daughters, daughters and sons, and wives and husbands in what is seen as dutiful and selfish behavior?

7. Are there gender differences in how much women and men, wives and husbands, and daughters and sons are free to speak their truth and follow their own path?

These questions are central to understanding ourselves, the families we belong to, and the choices we make. They are central to how we treat each other. They are central to the conversations we have in the therapy room. And they are central to building relationships, families, and organizations that honor all people’s lives.

(Read “The Silent Female Scream” for more information about how patriarchy silences women’s voices and “The Mother-Daughter Puzzle” for instructions on how to map your own and your client’s mother-daughter history and uncover how duty, sacrifice, and obligation limit individual freedom, choices, and create mother-daughter conflict.)

Reprinted with permission from my American Counseling Association Blog